


The Way I See Things

by bzou



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Autistic Kageyama Tobio, Kageyama Rare Pair Week, M/M, Wedding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-16 19:10:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9285959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bzou/pseuds/bzou
Summary: Tobio knows he's unlovable, so why was he supposed to get married today? And why was Bokuto trying to convince him otherwise?





	

**Author's Note:**

> done for kage rare pair week day 3: platonic (as this is mostly about bokuto and kages friendship) but also kind of day 2: tears and smiles
> 
> this was supposed to be a lot more generalized and just BASED off this long ass kurokage au i have, but instead have something that hints at a lot more for this au sorry
> 
> title comes from the one song this au has (The Way I See Things by Lil Peep)

Tobio knew he was hard to love. Scratch that, Tobio knew he was _impossible_ to love. He’d known since he was a little kid and his mother would tell him to stop whatever thing he was doing that annoyed her or no one would love him.

But he never could.

He could and has successfully repressed a lot of the things he did that made him so obviously unlovable, but he couldn’t repress them all. He could stop rubbing his thighs and rocking or pulling his hair, but he couldn’t stop being overwhelmed or having a hard time understanding or speaking.

His mother’s voice, and step-dad’s, and grandmother’s, and friends’, and even strangers’ echoed in his head, all saying the same thing. That some people were just born unlovable, and that he was one of them.

That’s why he found himself locked in one of the bathroom stalls of the courthouse, on his knees in front of the toilet and trying his best not to wretch out his entire stomach, but he wish he could. Wish his body would eject all vital organs and he’d die. He didn’t care that he was dirtying the knees of his suit, it wouldn’t matter in a moment when he ran, if his damned legs would let him instead of being locked in fear on the questionable tile floor.

But despite how afraid he was, he knew he couldn’t run and leave Kuroo, nor could he face him though. It seemed he was going to live out his pathetic days in this bathroom stall and die here one day. Hopefully today, if he was being honest with himself.

The washroom door creaked open and he stilled his shuddering sobs, holding his breath tight in his chest until the intruder peed and left. Maybe they’d take long enough he’d just pass out and wouldn’t have to make the decision to stay or run.

The footsteps were jarringly loud in the bathroom, echoing off the wallpapered walls and the scalloped ceiling, until they came to a halt in front of his door, turning on the toe with an obnoxious squeak so they faced it.

Tobio still held his breath, but looked from the shiny shoes visible just under the door and around his stall, wondering what the hell this person was doing. Every other stall was open, just go take one of them. Unless they heard him...

While Tobio considered the possibilities of the stranger’s strange behaviour, his stomach lurched and he nearly lost his breath – and his lunch – turning back to the toilet bowl in fearful anticipation.

“There you are!” Startled, Tobio whipped his head back around at the voice, unnervingly close, to find Bokuto’s head poking out under the stall door. He rolled on to his stomach and pulled himself under, dragging his _own_ clean suit along the conspicuously clean linoleum floor. “We’ve been looking everywhere for you,” he grunted, hopping on his feet when he was fully in. Upon seeing the colour completely drain from Tobio’s face, Bokuto looked concerned. “You sick or something?”

“I...” A lump lodged in his throat, making his voice sound dry and foreign. His eyes stung with unshed tears and he fought with what little fight he had left to keep them that way. He wanted to lie and just get Bokuto out of there as fast as possible and then maybe go find a new hiding spot or a time to run out, but... he couldn’t.

“I don’t know why I’m here,” he croaked.

Bokuto’s brows bunched together in confusion. “What do you mean?” he laughed. “Did you hit your head? You’re here to get marri-”

“I _know_ ,” Tobio cut him off, curt and frustrated and on the verge of tears and throwing up and screaming and everything was too much. “I _know_ that. I mean...” he took a shuddering breath, reigning himself back in. “I don’t know _why_.”

“Uh...” Bokuto looked around, like he was being pranked or tested, before he looked back at Tobio, hands on his hips. “Because you love each other...?”

“I- I mean, y-yeah, _I_ love him, it’s just...” Tobio squeezed his eyes shut as a wave of nausea overtook him, fighting off the undertow. He couldn’t say it out loud, though, no matter how much he believed it to be true, saying it out loud gave it a sort of power he never wanted it to have. His throat locked with fear, but he forced past it. “It’s just that... he...”

Tobio trailed off and an awkward, horrible, suffocating silence filled the stall. The air grew too tense, too overbearing, and he turned back to the toilet to hang his head, a bit out of sickness, mostly out of shame.

“Do you...” Bokuto began slowly, his voice loud in the silent bathroom. “Do you really think Kuroo... doesn’t love you?”

Tobio didn’t reply. He didn’t even turn around. He just let the question linger between them, unanswered and smothering.

Bokuto spoke again. “You know that’s not true, right...?”

“How do you know,” Tobio muttered, more of a statement than a question really. He sat back, turning to lean against the stall wall in defeat, letting his head loll back against the divider.

There was a long, tense silence before Bokuto spoke again quietly. “Well-”

“You _don’t_.” Tobio cut him off, curt and frustrated. “You don’t actually know...”

 “And you know any better?”

“I-” Tobio felt his stomach twist and he bit his lip. Of course he knows, he’s known for a very long time. He knew when Kuroo first began giving him the sweet, shy smiles instead of those sly ones he was known for. He knew when Kuroo first started touching him, gentle passes of his hand on Tobio’s and up his arm. He especially knew when it moved up to cup his cheek and he leaned in, brushing his lips against Tobio’s. It was all obvious, it was nothing more than a fling, probably driven by malice and lust, and Kuroo would get bored fast and dump him. He knew the second Kuroo found out how he really was, _who_ he really was, he’d realize his mistake and drop him without looking back.

It’d already reared its ugly head, too; the arguments, the harsh words, the absolute _hatred_ that Kuroo must’ve felt when Tobio screwed up. It never mattered that after, Kuroo would apologize and sit down and try to work things out, it was all just for show. Tobio didn’t even understand why, it’s not like it made much of a difference to him. Kuroo could treat him like garbage and he’d still stay if Kuroo let him.

But still, Kuroo was a saint. Most times he was so patient and kind and Tobio could not grasp _why_. It was all just a matter of time till Kuroo came to his senses.

Despite all this, despite knowing better, Tobio stayed. He knew it would only end in abandonment and would ultimately destroy him in the end, but he couldn’t help indulging in the love Kuroo seemed to offer. Even if it was all conditional at best, fake at worst.

He did know better because everyone had been telling him so.

“I _do_ know better,” he ground out, trying to fight against the bitter lump in his throat.

Bokuto heaved a heavy sigh, sliding down the stall door to sit on the ground with Tobio. “So,” he said gently, placing his hand on Tobio’s knee, “what makes you think that?”

“Because it’s true.”

“What is?”

“That I-” Tobio swallowed hard around that lump, trying to keep his voice steady but _still_ unable to admit the whole truth. “That Kuroo couldn’t possibly love me.”

“Well, he’s getting married to you. Today, even.”

“He’ll just leave.” He felt his stomach turn over, but he stayed where he was. There was a pause, and his gut sinking with hopelessness as he thought Bokuto was finally accepting the truth.

Bokuto must've known. Tobio could never live up to Kuroo’s expectations, especially those set by Kuroo’s previous relationship. He was just a replacement for her in the end, and not a very good one. When Kuroo realized this, it’d be all over. What even happened if someone you were married to left you? Wouldn’t it be a financial and legal disaster? Would Kuroo even bother to go through all that, or just pack up and leave before Tobio even noticed?

Kuroo’d been married before. Not long, mind you, but _she_ was really the love of his life and losing her was what drove him to slum it up with someone like Tobio. What other reason would Kuroo have for choosing him? He was there, he was available, and it took no effort for him to be eating out of the palm of his hand.

The whole beginning of their relationship was just Tobio trying to help Kuroo out of that depression his wife left behind, he’d _seen_ how much he loved her. Even when they started dating, moved in together, Kuroo _still_ kept her ring in his wallet. He’d never be able to replace her – not in his wallet, not in his life, and most certainly not in his heart. She was so worthy, and he was nothing. Everyone was right about him.

The horrible train of Tobio’s thoughts came to a slow, screeching halt when he heard Bokuto laugh quietly to himself, under his breath. “What?” he asked, insulted that he’d find Tobio’s misery laughable.

“I’ve known Kuroo for – what – 10 years? Almost 15, wow.” Tobio gave him a confused look, his brows furrowing. “And I’ve literally never seen him happier than he is with you.”

Tobio was the one to let the silence linger this time, trying to comprehend what he said.

Bokuto laughed seeing the expression on his face. “No, not even with her. It’s actually kind of annoying; he talks about you so much. All the things you do and the things he likes, plans for the future, all that sappy shit.” He waved his hand in the air, like it was all just a casual conversation.

“You know,” he continued, not even allowing Tobio a chance to speak, not like he had anything to say, though, “when he told me he was going to ask you to marry him, it was... kind of a shock honestly. I never thought he’d be ready for that again, but he had absolutely no doubt that he wanted to do this. I’ve never seen him look that... _convinced_ that what he was doing was what he wanted.”

“Please...” Tobio mumbled, rolling his eyes and sniffling.

Bokuto unraveled the toilet paper roll and handed Tobio a wad of the tissue to wipe his running nose. He took it with a nod and quietly cleaned his face. “He sold her ring for yours, you know.”

Tobio’s hands dropped in his lap. “...What?”

“Yeah, I thought it was crazy, too. That stupid little thing was everything he had, and I thought he’d never let it go. Even when he told me, I honestly thought he’d drag me along so I could rip it from his hands or something. But no.” He sighed. “I’ve never seen him so sure of anything.

“So trust me, that idiot really does love you.”

Tobio couldn’t really believe what he was hearing. It must’ve been a mistake, or a lie. This was all surely just an exaggeration, and even if it was even _remotely_ true, this was sure to be the final nail in his coffin. Kuroo was going to regret all of this once he realized what Tobio was like, how it was to deal with him. What his parents knew and had been warning him for years, what turned friends and lovers away in droves, he was going to come to know it all and resent Tobio for trapping him in an unhappy, dead-end relationship.

“What if he leaves...?” he asked, his voice small and foreign even to him. He was scared, and he didn’t know what to think or do.

Bokuto scoffed. “That’s like saying...” He looked around for a second before scrambling to his feet and pointing at the toilet. “That’s like saying ‘what if this toilet doesn’t flush?’ You could _say_ it’s a possibility, but how likely is it really? All the facts say it’s gonna flush, my gut says it’s gonna flush, and if it doesn’t, then something minor needs to be fixed. You can spend your time worrying about it, but in the end-” He pressed the manual flush button found on the back of the toilet with the bottom of his shoe, and sure enough, the loud rush of water rang throughout the bathroom, “it flushes.”

Tobio raised an eyebrow at the silly analogy, not allowing the hopeful feeling in his chest to balloon anymore than it already was. He couldn’t set himself up for disappointment like that.

“So you can say ‘what if’ all you want, but the reality is that he’s not going to leave you ‘cause he loves you. He’s going to marry you ‘cause he loves you.”

Tobio stared up at Bokuto from his seat on the floor, feeling small. Feeling scared. He wanted to believe everything Bokuto was saying, but he was too afraid to allow himself to.

“Alright,” Bokuto sighed, helping Tobio to his feet and brushing him off. “Let’s just... get cleaned up, okay? Let’s leave this stall and go to the sinks. We don’t have to do more than that right now.”

Tobio nodded, rubbing his face with his hands. He was gonna do just as Bokuto said; take one step at a time. He stepped out of his tiny stall and washed his face in the sink, purposefully avoiding his reflection in the mirror above the counter.

While Bokuto was brushing off his back, there was a knock at the bathroom door and a small, nervous voice from the other side. “Bokuto-san?”

“Come in!” he called, and the door creaked open, Yachi popping her head in cautiously. When she saw it was just the two men at the sink, she stepped in, nervous. “Um, is everything...okay?”

“Uh, yeah!” Bokuto replied for Tobio, who still refused to look up. He couldn’t have Yachi see him like this, and he didn’t want to admit why. “Kageyama’s just... got a little case of cold feet. But we’re taking care of it.”

“Okay... Should I tell the others to hold things off for a bit?”

“Yeah, could you?”

“Sure, but...” she looked at Tobio, concerned. “What should I tell them?”

“Uh...” Bokuto put his hands on his hips and his chin in his hands. “Tell them Kageyama’s got a bad case of diarrhea, that should keep them settled for a bit.”

Yachi looked confused for a brief second, but nodded and stepped back out, casting one more worried glance back at the two. Tobio purposefully ignored it.

He still wasn’t sure about what he should do. On one hand, he wanted all that Bokuto said to be true and go out there and face Kuroo ‘cause he really did love him, but on the other hand he was making the decision to put his fate in someone’s hands when all that’d ever caused him was grief. So many people have been telling him for too long that he was unlovable, and here was someone trying to prove to him the opposite.

“So,” Bokuto sighed, laying a heavy hand on Tobio’s shoulder, “what’re you gonna do?”

“I...” His voice was too shaky for his liking, so he took a deep breath for continuing, heaving himself off the sink he was leaning on. “I don’t know.” He dared to meet Bokuto’s reflection, and regretted it instantly when he saw the disappointment written on his face. “I’m just... scared is all.”

Bokuto nodded solemnly. “It’s okay to be scared, man. I know you don’t think that I’m telling the truth, and I know the future can be scary, but it’s either you leave him now or you give him a try.”

It was then that Tobio realized that the thought of leaving Kuroo there and running out as far as he could was scarier than having to go up there and face him. The thought of having to break Kuroo’s heart was scarier than having his own broken. The thought of leaving _now_ rather than Kuroo leaving later was _way_ scarier, and it hurt him so much more to even just think about this as a possibility.

The most ideal choice right now was to stall, to stay in this bathroom until everyone forgot about him, but he knew that wasn’t realistic.

If he allowed himself to think it, the most ideal was actually to go meet Kuroo, get married, and live a long and happy life with him without worry. For him to spend the rest of his time on this miserable planet trying to bring a little light to it for Kuroo, and to feel loved in return.

So the choice right now was to go out and hope for the best, or allow every single person that ever told him was worthless be proven right by running away.

“Bokuto-san?” he asked quietly, still staring down at the sink. Bokuto made an affirmative noise, to let Tobio know he was listening. “Um...” Awkwardness added on to his fear, but it was time he took the plunge, turning to face the other. “If I go out there... will you... walk? With me?”

Bokuto’s face lit up in relief and he slapped Tobio on the back a bit too hard. “Of course! Don’t worry, I’ll walk you right up there real good.”

Tobio actually cracked a smile – albeit small – before nodding. Bokuto nudged him towards the door, and, although scared of what he was about to face, he left the safety of the bathroom.

Yachi spotted them down the hall and rushed to see them. “Are you okay?”

Tobio heaved a trembling sigh but nodded. “Yeah. Was everyone waiting long?”

“Not very, but we’re a bit behind. Are you ready?”

Tobio looked back again at Bokuto, who offered him an encouraging thumbs up and a brilliant smile.

“Yeah. I’m ready.”

Yachi gave him the second look of relief he’d seen that day, and it quelled his nerves just a bit. She ushered them both to the doors and Tobio took one last deep breath. If Bokuto was telling the truth and every nasty person he’d had in his life up until now was lying, then... things would be alright. He just had to believe that.

Bokuto offered him his elbow, and in any other situation Tobio would’ve refused, but right now, it was comforting and appreciated, so he took it.

Yachi gave them another moment before Tobio nodded and she opened the doors, and he stepped out.

When Kuroo turned around to see him, the smile that spread across his face was worth the risk.

**Author's Note:**

> kuroo cries a bit but bokutos the one thats up there sobbing the whole time. daichi has to console him.


End file.
